It has been roughly 40 days since I last posted. My goal was to write every day during Lent to help work through the emotional loss of my fifth failed pregnancy through IVF. However, I found it hard to write. Yet, the past 40 days were a time of renewal. That renewal happened through life simply happening.  

In many ways, I am not sure where the last 40-plus days have gone recently. Regardless, life happened. And, I do mean there was a lot of life happening. Life’s Journey is an adventure. Embracing that adventure was an essential step for me.

I will be blunt the end of February and most of the month of March was hard. I have been dealing with a significant loss, deciding the best way to move on, and thinking a lot about the next step. Yet, I did not let life stop; I kept pushing through. Somehow, as I kept “going,” “doing,” and “pushing through,” renewal occurred. I am not entirely healed or know my direction, but I am figuring things out.

I have found renewal in everything that happened over the past 40-plus days. While I have not written about them, I want to remember or document those events that got me moving forward. These experiences helped renew me and were part of my 40-day Journey.

Below is a recap or documentation of life happening – well, the significant things (lol).

Date night to see Alton Brown

Allyn and I have always made it a point to see Alton Brown when he does a live stage show. We almost skipped this performance but decided to get tickets. In my opinion, this show was one of his best. It was a good combination of comedy, music, cooking, and science – all the things Allyn and I love.

During the pandemic, his YouTube show Quarantine Quitchen became a favorite of mine. The show also made me a fan of his wife, Elizabeth Ingram Brown. So I was quite happy that she was part of the show.

Ran my first race of 2022 – The Bockfest 5k in Over the Rhine in Cincinnati

Running has become one of my favorite things over the past couple of years. I find it challenging yet relaxing. After a leg injury and then starting graduate school, I gave up running for a while, but I have gradually been getting back into it. This year, I challenged myself by signing up for the Cincinnati Beer Series. The first race was on March 5 – three days after my pregnancy loss. Knowing what my body was going through, I probably should not have run the 5k, but I did. Although I did not run the Bockfest 5k in any record time. It was a HUGE personal achievement, given all my body had gone through days prior (and was still going through).

Celebrating my mom’s 70^th birthday

In the middle of the month, my mom celebrated her 70^th birthday. Of course, we had to celebrate. We enjoyed an afternoon at the spa for a short massage, pedicures, and facials. That evening, we had dinner at Season’s 52, then it was home for presents and cake. We love having her up here and being able to spoil her whenever possible, especially on special occasions like this

Participated in Yoga Nidra and sound meditation

This year I have finally made time to practice yoga. Although I have not been practicing yoga that long it has helped me in so many ways. On the Saturday of the Spring Equinox, I participated in yoga Nidra and sound meditation. It was relaxing and renewing all at the same time. I almost fell asleep during a yoga class, which is a first in many ways. For me relaxing is hard, and yoga has helped in many ways. Yoga has also become an element of balance in my life.

Easter/Spring décor

One of my passions is keeping the house up with seasonal décor. As a kid, one of my favorite traditions with my mom and grandmother was changing out the home décor items seasonally – new flowers, figurines for the season, etc. When I started living on my own, I kept this tradition. For several different reasons – mainly time – this is something I scaled back on considerably over the past few years, especially during the spring. This year I was able to get out my Easter décor and decorate. The best part about seasonal decorating and changing décor is that the house always gets picked up and cleaned, which is always a good thing. 

Girl’s night out at Copper Hawk Winery

Throughout most of March, one of my good friends and I had not had time to connect and catch up, so we met up at Cooper’s Hawk Winery and Restaurant for dinner. I think the night was just what both of us needed. A few hours of good food, good company, and good conversation were what we both needed. For me, this was also a chance to try a new restaurant. Their food and wine were amazing, by the way. We even splurged and dessert.

A last-minute trip to New York City

A key to getting through and moving on from everything that occurred recently was a last-minute trip to New York City/Long Island. Literally, the day that everything went down with the pregnancy, Allyn’s cousin called us to invite us up for some family stuff. While I am not sure why the invitation and the trip were both big turning points in my renewal. One thing I am learning about myself is that through looking forward and doing, I heal.

Our trip to New York City/Long Island was epic – we saw family/friends, celebrated a family milestone, did research at the New York Public Library, took in two shows (The Music Man and Hamilton), had some fantastic dinners, and explored new parts of Manhattan. Getting to travel again felt so good. 

Dissertation Research at the New York Public Library

Working on a dissertation during the pandemic is hard. With archives closed, I requested many materials through Inter-Library Loan, but not all of the materials I asked for could not be loaned out. This was the case with some materials from the New York Public Library (NYPL).

Getting to research at the NYPL was huge for me. Their research/reading rooms are iconic and very grand. Also, the process of doing research again felt good. Doing so renewed my commitment to getting the dissertation written. Sitting in the research room, waiting for the materials to be brought out, I realized how much I missed doing research and how much doing research is part of me.

A mother-daughter Sunday at the Cincinnati Ballet

While my mom and I see each other almost daily, we don’t always get to spend much time together, just two of us. Thus, spending an afternoon at the Cincinnati Ballet to see their performance of Snow White was the perfect outing for us. Albeit the performance was meant for younger kids, the dancing was fun to watch. Getting away for a few hours, just the two of us, was good.

Participating in Easter Triduum

Holy Week has always been important to my family. Even when I was not heavily involved in church or attending regularly, I would take time to participate in the Triduum masses – Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday. While each year’s service is the same, they are also different. These services, rooted in historic scripture, help remind me of our faith and why we believe. This year I did Holy Thursday and Good Friday services in person, but after spending three hours in church on Friday, I had enough, so I watched the Easter Vigil mass from St. Patrick. For me, Mass is Mass regardless if you are in person or virtual – you are in the presence of God. I know some people in the Catholic church might disagree with my view, but for me about limits, and that is what I could handle at that moment in my life.

An Easter outing to the Cincinnati Zoo to see Zoo Blooms              

             

Easter means new life in various forms. Seeing plants bloom after a long fall and winter makes me happy. Easter is a prime time for this. At the Cincinnati Zoo, all the flowers are in bloom, particularly the annuals, like tulips and daffodils. The display at the Cincinnati Zoo is quite impressive; thus, it has become a tradition. I never get tired of seeing so many flowers in bloom.

It was a little colder this year, but the sun was out. We got there at 9 am and almost had the zoo to ourselves. After the zoo, we enjoyed a lovely Easter lunch at Maggiano’s. The best part of it is that all three of us were together.

Today (well, yesterday by the time this posts) is the start of lent – Ash Wednesday.

Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of a short time aimed at forgoing pleasure and comforts to commemorate Jesus’s 40 days in the desert. For me, the 40 days of Lent is one of the most beautiful times of the year. Lent technically begins in winter, when things are still dormant, and the weather is often gloomy. Many things are in bloom by the end of Lent, and there are often more sun-filled days.

Lent is a time of sacrifice and sorrow. For those of us who are religious, it is a time that we commemorate Jesus’ life leading up to his crucifixion. It’s the time of the year when we are called to dive deeper into our prayer life, service to others, and abstain from those things that prevent us from growing closer to our Lord and being a good and virtuous person.

The number 40 is crucial, not only because it is the number of days Jesus spent in the desert, but during Lent, it is the number of days we need (have) to atone ourselves. I believe that 40 days is also the minimum time it takes to break the bonds of bad habits and form new better habits. Giving something up for a short time is an excellent way to build willpower and self-control.

One of the things I enjoy about Lent is that you don’t have to be religious to partake. It is the time of year anyone can use to help make themselves better. There was a time in my twenties when I would describe myself as religious neutral – I believed in God but did see that organized religion fit into my life. Even during this time, I took advantage of the Lenten season to rebuild myself. Today it is the opposite; religion and going to church are a big part of my life.

While many (especially those who are religious) focus on the three pillars of lent – prayers, fasting, and almsgiving – during this time. I tend to focus on what I can do to lead a more virtuous and happy life. I also found that I always have to deal with a difficult or sorrowful situation during Lent. In past years, it has been the loss of a loved one, a health issue, or transitioning from one place to another.

Lent is so much more than just giving up desert and being miserable about the whole time. It’s about growing closer to God and becoming a better person all around.

Lent this year start with getting bad news. This year, part of my Lenten journey will be working through the emotions attached to that news. I also want to focus on getting things done I need to and continue to get back into shape. One of my goals is to walk/run for at least 40 minutes every day.

I hope these next 40 days are one of growth and blooming.

I have not been taking the time to write. I regret that and hope to write more soon. For now, I’m going to catch up with a general post. I am determined to get back in the swing of things over the next few weeks.

The last few weeks have been right down demanding – physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you ask me what happened and when, I am not sure if I can tell you. I have been in the mode of “let’s get things done.” At times I feel like I am just going through the motions, but then at times, I feel engaged. Regardless, getting things done and completed feels good.

Speaking of getting things done, I completed the “beginning yoga class” I was taking. I am by no means a pro yogi, but I now have the confidence to walk into a yoga studio, take a class, and feel like I somewhat know what I am doing. I think the thing I enjoy the best about the yoga studio I go to, is that the instructors are real and relatable people who focus on living healthy lives. They are also very personable. After going there a little over a month, I think all the regular instructors know who I am. Since completing the beginner class, I have completed seven classes, which is a huge personal accomplishment!

At the beginning of February, Allyn and I celebrated our 8^th wedding anniversary. It is honestly hard to believe that we have been married for eight years. It is also hard to think about all of the things that have happened over the past eight years. From moving across the country to traveling around the world to losing both of our fathers, we have been through a lot together. I am very fortunate and blessed to have Allyn as my husband, partner, and best friend.

For our anniversary, we tried Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ. Gyu-Kaku is an authentic Japanese – yakiniku (grilled barbecue) dining experience where you order the meat by the “plate” and cook it at your table over a flaming charcoal grill. The meats are premium cuts, aged, and season/marinated amazingly. We first experienced (and fell in love with) this method of cooking and dining in Seoul, South Korea. Overall our experience at Gyu-Kaku was very similar to our dining experience in Seoul. My only complaint is that we both ate too much.  

Over the past couple of weeks, winter has undoubtedly made its presents known. Last week was by far our worst winter storm of the season. It all started on Thursday when we got about 3 inches of ice/sleet, followed by about 2 inches of snow. We stayed in for two solid days, and those days were by far very productive in all aspects.

One of the major tasks we accomplished while staying in was getting our office and dining rooms organized and cleaned up. Getting these rooms picked up was huge for me. They are the first two rooms you see when you walk into our house. When COVID began, my husband took over the dining room, and it became a dumping ground for all his computer systems and work stuff. The office has needed a good reorganization and picked up for some time. We re-positioned many of the Lego sets when cleaning up the office, making them more visible.

I also was able to get in a girl’s day with one of my close friends over the last few weeks. We went to see the traveling exhibit “Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel: The Exhibition,” enjoyed a nice dinner together and talked A LOT. 

I have very mixed feelings about the Michelangelo exhibit. I was really glad that we went to see it, but at the same time, I was disappointed in the exhibit. The display of the photographs was done poorly, along with the lighting and general presentation. (I will talk about this more in another post.) I did enjoy how the exhibit designers broke down and explained the artwork – that was done very well.

For dinner, we went to Black Rock Bar and Grill. At Black Rock Grill, you cook your steaks (or choice of meat/seafood) at your table on a 755-degree volcanic sizzling rock. This cooking method means that you can cook the meat as you go and to your choice of “doneness.” Honestly, I loved this cooking method and can’t wait to return.

Over the past couple of weeks, we have also started another IVF cycle – an embryo transfer cycle, to be specific. This cycle is rather big for us. It is likely the last cycle where we will have the opportunity to have a child that is entirely ours. (This is another thing I will blog more about.)  Right now, I am kind of numb to what we are going through; I think we both are. For me, this is just another medical procedure. I have very slim hope that this will work. Like I said, more will be written on this at another time.

This afternoon, I participated in the department workshop, briefly discussing my dissertation research. I will say that 5 minutes to discuss your research is not enough – I think it just made me babble. During the Zoom call, our cat Sammy became quite demanding. He had to sit in my lap for the first part of the call. Then after a while, Sammy decided to snuggle up next to the monitor, where he stayed for the rest of the call. I am not sure if anyone saw him, but it was adorable. I wish he would finish researching and writing the dissertation.

Ever since they opened an Orange Theory Fitness center near me, I wanted to give it a try. I finally signed up for a class and went this past Monday.

Before signing up, I knew it was a high-intensity full-body workout. I had heard from various friends that it was just wanted they needed, so I was eager to try it.

Orange Theory’s fitness philosophy is based on “Excess Post-Exercise Oxygen Consumption.” Essentially, the goal is to maintain a target heart rate that stimulates metabolism and increases energy. Each day they have a different workout, and you don’t know what you are doing until you walk into the workout room. The fitness coach in the workout room guides you through these different paces, and you always get breaks of walking every few minutes.

Your workout session is 60 minutes. Half of your session is on the treadmill, and half is spent between the rowing machine and core/weight exercises. I started on the rowing machine and core/weight exercises and ended on the treadmill.

The workout couch is in the room throughout the session, motivating you – not yelling at you. There are also large monitors in the room showing your heart rate. 

Overall, while I think their workout theory is good, it is not for me at this time. I wish that it was around when running marathons constantly, but for where I am not now, it is not for me. Maybe at another time, but for now, I need to focus on core work – walking and running at a brisk speed, doing weight and core training, and continuing to do yoga.

Walking out of the work session on Monday, I felt as if I was just not where I needed to be to workout there. I might go back sometime in the future and take classes, but it is not me for now. It did give me some ideas for what I wanted my workout time to look like, which was a huge help. It also helped to remind me about how vital and fulfilling workouting and fitness are to me. I am glad I investigate it, but I will do my own thing for now.

For the most part, since the COVID pandemic been, my immediate family has been lucky; no one in my immediate family or circle of friends has been affected by COVID. That was until last week.

Last Saturday, in a matter of 2 hours, I learned of 4 people that had come down with COVID. Two of them were our neighbors, a cousin, and a co-worker. Then Sunday night, I saw my great-aunt post on Facebook that her daughter was in the ICU with covid pneumonia. Today, my aunt posted that her daughter, my cousin, died.

My cousin was one of the friendliest and most welcoming people I knew. I always thought she was beautiful, and I learned many things from her by observing her. She was a deeply Christian woman, and her wedding was one of the first ones I remember attending. She and her husband chose not to get vaccinated.

My heart is in a million pieces now that she is gone. My heart also aches for her husband, parents, and sisters. Now my mom and I are facing the decision to go down for the funeral and comfort my aunt or stay here where we know relatively safe. Knowing that my family, who will be at her funeral, is not vaccinated, we will likely choose to stay here.

I hate that I even have to make that decision. When my great-uncle passed away in October, the decision to go down was easy – we knew everyone attending the family was vaccinated.

I wish that people would do what is best for humanity and get the vaccine – it will not kill you. After two shots and a booster, I can say getting vaccinated was nothing.

After almost two years of dealing with COVID, I am starting to lose my patience and get frustrated. It has derailed and made difficult so many things – finishing my dissertation, my IVF cycles, travel, and seeing friends and family. I think about doing something, such as running a race, yet I am fearful of what I might pick while in the running corals.

I am sad that I lost my cousin, but I am also sad because we all are starting to lose out on the quality of life.

Is the new standard wearing mask everywhere we go and avoiding crowds? If so, however, will that ever work. Also, is the new normal being on edge every time you have a stuffy nose, sore throat, or cough? That is no way to live.

I will continue to do what it takes to stay safe. I hope everyone else does as well.

Everyone has a list of things they want to do. For me, that list is varied and includes simple everyday things, along with more adventure activities that require planning and preparation.

One activity that has been on my list for a long time has been yoga. I have always wanted to learn the art and practice of yoga. My desire to learn and practice yoga stems from me never being very flexible or good at relaxing.

Several years back, I signed up for a yoga class. Afterward, I was highly embarrassed because I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I mean, I didn’t know where to place my mat. I left that class not frustrated with the practice of yoga but frustrated because there was no help or guidance to learn it. I even called the studio afterward and asked about an introduction class – yeah, I was laughed at.

I kept looking around and found a local yoga studio offering an introductory series. I procrastinated for a couple of years, coming up with excuse after excuse. Last month, I signed up when I saw that they were offering the series at the beginning of 2022. What I didn’t expect was that I would actually go through with it and attend.

Last Sunday, I attended my first introductory course. I was nervous and scared walking in the door, but I found the studio very welcoming — others taking the series were much like myself. The first class went over everything from vocabulary to rolling up your map and through the basic flow of yoga. I left impressed and felt that yoga was something I could do and enjoy. The thing that impressed me the most was that the instructor acknowledged that not everyone would not be able to do all the poses, but there are modifications.

That one class left me feeling revived, particularly from a wellness standpoint. It proved that I could still move in some senses and reminded me how much I love fitness/wellness and being active.

Thursday, I signed and attended a rest and reiki yoga class. The class used extended mediative poses and aimed at helping one to slow down and provide balance. I think it did that – at for that hour. If anything, it was a good way to practice what I had learned on Sunday.

This afternoon I head back for the second introductory course. I am excited, but I am also a little nervous because I know we will be doing more poses, and overall, I am very uncoordinated and clutz 🙂

**Note … I started writing this blog post last Saturday, January 8, but got interrupted and finally finished (when posted).**

Our Christmas decorations are going to be put away in a few hours. Before doing so, I want to document our décor.

I love Christmas decorations. Growing up, I lived in a house where everything was decorated. I am just getting to where we are home for the holidays; thus, decorating makes more sense. Throughout most of my 20s and 30s, I always traveled to see family during the holidays, so it was hard for me to justify decoring, mainly putting up a Christmas tree.

About three years, we started being home more, particularly on Christmas day, so I started taking the time to decorate.

This year’s challenge was that my husband had claimed the formal dining room as his workspace – thanks, COVID. Therefore, I had a bunch of decorations and no place to put them. The biggest disappointment (for the past two years now) was that I could not decorate our dining room table – or have Christmas dinner in there. I am hoping that in a year, that will change.

The inspiration for my holiday décor stems from zinc and black reindeer I found at Crate and Barrel a few years back. I paired the reindeer with buffalo plaid (red and black checkered) table linens from Pier 1 and garland from Hobby Lobby. I feel that bringing all of these pieces together creates a cozy winter look that is also Christmas-themed.  

With the dining room occupied with my husband’s work stuff (tech stuff), I moved the dining room decorations to the shelves behind our couch. At first, I thought having almost all of the Christmas decorations in the living room and kitchen would be overwhelming, but I ended up liking it. The three black shelves behind the couch included the table runner and a couple of placemats from the buffalo plaid table lines, garland, black reindeer, and extra pine cones.

I put the silver reindeer on the fireplace mantel and a garland piece that matched the pieces on the black shelves. Then I hung our stockings using some simple stocking hangers. I left the black candle holders I typically have on the mantel up, which I think helped add to the décor.

I love that our Christmas tree sits at the end of the hallway/walkway off of the living room and kitchen area and that you can see it from the front door. The ornaments on the tree are a collection from my childhood, our travels, our hobbies, and fabric characters. The fabric characters are super cat-friendly, and I feel they help give our Christmas tree character.

Our cats love the Christmas tree. Sammy especially loves lying next to the manager. He was super disappointed when the tree got taken down.

The kitchen table/breakfast nook is the other area where I put Christmas decorations. Last year I found a ceramic Christmas tree like we had when I was a child. I put the ceramic tree on the shelf that holds my cookbooks, with some other small ceramic items I had.

This year we added some Christmas Lego sets we had gotten with some purchases throughout the year. The lego sets were fun to put together and perfectly expressed who we are.

Since it always in use, I am never sure how to decorate the kitchen table for Christmas and other holidays. This year I ordered a plaid table runner and napkins from Vera Bradley. I think it went perfectly with everything, plus I love that they are made from recycled cotton and that the runner is reversible and included a black and white floral print (which I love).

We went down the street for Christmas at my mom’s house this year. I cook Christmas breakfast at our house, and the pets enjoyed their Christmas at my house. Patrick was in heaven with tons of treats, and Sammy did not want to give up the stockings.  

I am utterly exhausted as we complete the second (work) week of the year. Trying to balance work, finishing/writing a dissertation, university commitments, family responsibilities, and taking care of myself is entirely exhausting.

So much has happened in the last week that my head is still spinning. Of course, this is not the way I want to start the year off. Yet, with everything going on, I was able to accomplish things in all the areas I needed to this week.

Now at 3:00 pm on Friday, I sit here listening to a department workshop webinar, and all I can think about is how I can get organized and get done what I need to and what I want to.

Before I decided to start writing this blog post, I started making a to-do list. But I could not write one write. I have reached the point that I cannot put what is floating around in my mind down on paper. Part myself says I need to get away from things, but realistically I know that will not accomplish anything. The more realistic part of me says I need to dive and get things done – but how do you do that?????

How do successful people balance it ALL – work, family, personal interest, etc.???????

There are people I know who balance many things and thrive doing so. They do not seem to be exhausted and seem to keep it together. Why can I not do this??? Is it just that our bodies/minds operate differently?

The feeling that balancing life is exhausting is not just a recent feeling, but I have been struggling with it for a while. The reality of this feeling has become more intense over recent years with COVID, which has also coincided with trying to complete a dissertation (write and research).

… I just pushed end on the department webinar, which means I no longer have to be tied to the computer screen, thus I can get up and move about the house. So I am going to try to get things done. I will do my best to avoid the couch, which is life-sucking (energy-sucking) but also so comfortable and easy.

The first week of 2022 is nearly in the books. For me, this has been a week of getting back into the swing of things. I went back to balancing work (church religious educations programs), writing a dissertation, co-chairing a conference (organizing a historical conference coming to my university in June), keeping up a house (cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning), helping out my mom, and then trying to take care of myself. It’s a lot of balancing, but somehow I make it work. I also do not think I would have it any other way. On top of this, we are still going through IVF. 

While I want consistency and feel blogging is vital, I have to be realistic that it might not happen every day.

It’s Friday evening, and I am just exhausted. However, I am happy that the house is essentially picked up – clean, the laundry is done, and for the most part, the grocery shopping is done (although I forgot a few things).  

This weekend’s agenda includes picking up the Christmas decorations and going to the Yoga class. I also hope to get some dissertation work done.

I end the “week” with many things on my mind – some related to work, the dissertation, and others on personal ambitions. I know these will sort themselves out over the next couple of weeks. For now, it’s time for sleep.